The publication of this week's Time Magazine cover featuring a mom breastfeeding her 3 year old re-ignited the always simmering controversy about how people choose to parent. A trip to almost any message board on Cafemom.com will lead you to a heated debate about which way is the best way to parent your child. In these message boards you will find moms who insult, criticize, belittle and examine every aspect of another person's parenting style. I have been attacked furiously because I work out of the home full time, because I had my son circumcised and because I didn't breastfeed but chose to formula feed. I admit that I am not entirely innocent because I have been extremely critical of moms who choose not to vaccinate their children over unproven links between vaccines and permanent adverse effects such as autism.
Breastfeeding in particular stirs major passions on all sides of the issue. Moms who swear by it insist it is the best and most natural way to nurture your child. There is an even further division between breastfeeding moms who do it privately and those who do it publicly. Hospitals work hard to push new moms into breastfeeding. When my son was born, I tried but was unable to breastfeed. The pain of trying to nurture him this way was even worse to me than the pain of my 20 hour labor. I was in excruciating pain and my child wasn't getting what he needed. The hospital had baby formula but I was too embarrassed to ask for it because of the frequent visits from lactation consultants and nurses trying to force the breast onto my son. On the way home from the hospital, my husband picked up some formula and at almost 2 days old, my son had his first real meal. Even if I had been physically able to breastfeed, my plan was to formula feed when I went back to work. The stress of pumping was something I knew I couldn't do. Proponents of the breast insist that it far better for your child's physical development than formula. Again, in my experience, this simply isn't true. I was formula fed and so was my son. I was developmentally ahead of my peers and physically very healthy. Thus far my son has been the same.
The crux of the "Time" cover story wasn't breastfeeding, but the style of parenting known as "attachment parenting". Attachment parenting is a style that involves wearing your child in a sling, early toilet training, co-sleeping and breastfeeding well into toddler hood. Attachment parents will not let their children just "cry it out" as they believe this is developmentally detrimental to their children. Aside from the "Time" story, this parenting method has also been in the spotlight due to the publication of a book on the subject by actress Mayim Bialik (known as TVs "Blossom" and Amy Farrah Fowler from "The Big Bang Theory") called "Beyond the Sling".
My husband and I subscribe to aspects of the attachment parenting philosophy. The biggest one is co-sleeping. Our son has slept in our room almost every night for most of his life. He suffers from serious night terrors and he is comforted and able to sleep when he is with us. We believe that forcing him to be scared and alone in a dark room could cause major harm in his emotional development. He will go in his room occasionally, but won't stay there all night. These times are when we are able to have our intimate time as a couple, which seems to be the part most non co-sleeping parents are curious about. When it comes to discipline, my husband usually applies an attachment parenting philosophy of discussing and reasoning with my son when he misbehaves as opposed to punishment. Ryan believes that being too hard on Aidan will cause him to shut down emotionally. Also, he has always refused to let Aidan just "cry it out". I am more traditional when it comes to discipline as I believe in time outs and losing privileges as punishment for behavior that is not acceptable. While this does cause some strife between my husband and I, our goal is the same... a happy and well adjusted son.
There was also a recent controversy when democratic strategist Hillary Rosen said that Ann Romney never worked a day in her life. Yes, Ann Romney was a stay at home mom of 5 boys and this is a very hard job but to be fair, there is a distinction between working inside the home and out of it. When a mother works outside of the home, she essentially works two jobs because at the end of a 9 to 5 she comes home and works her second job as a mom.... preparing meals, cleaning, helping with homework, etc. which I can say is extremely difficult but rewarding. For my family it is also financially necessary. I am the predominant earner in my home and we wouldn't be able to survive if one of us didn't work. Many stay at home moms accuse working moms of being selfish and many working moms accuse stay at home moms of not being self-sufficient. I think these petty arguments are ridiculous. I am a feminist who believes that the point of the feminist movement was the ability to CHOOSE. We can choose to stay home and raise a family, choose to build a career without children or choose to do both without judgement. We need to stop being so sensitive about anything we perceive as an attack on our chosen parenting path.
Parenting is not a black and white concept. There is no absolute right or wrong way to parent as long as you are raising your child with love and the goal of doing what is best for them. Don't hassle the mom breastfeeding her baby in Target and don't look down on the working mom. It is important that we as parents discuss our views and possibly disagree, but it should be done respectfully. If we want our children to be good people and respectful of others, then we need to model that behavior for them.
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